


The new vision

by SpookyFaces



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, And Ty is so mysterious like what the hell, Boys Kissing, Character Death, Depression, Dorms, Drinking, Drug Use, Drugs, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jish in so inlove, Kill Your Darlings, M/M, Poems, Ryan loves Brendon, Suicidal Thoughts, and then there's Brendon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-09
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-07 03:58:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8782030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpookyFaces/pseuds/SpookyFaces
Summary: Josh is a young writer who got in the university of his dream, where he met Tyler, deep, mysterious, intimidating boy, who thinks too much and makes Josh feel things he's never felt before. But then, a terrifying event happens. Josh can't lose Tyler. He just can't,okay?! Basically, it's base on the movie "Kill your darlings"If you haven't seen it, GO WATCH!





	1. usual devilish smile

"To literacy!” - Brendon announced as Tyler, Gerard and I threw back our drinks in celebration. The jukebox was playing over the lazy, drunken afternoon. My eyes scanned the wall behind us. There were tons of the photographs: ribbon-cuttings, sport team-photos, graduations: life in a thousand fake smiles and stagings. 

“I hate that wall.” - Tyler whispered to me. “It is build to make people think they left some mark on the world. Because otherwise nobody would ever know.. I don’t ever want to end up on this wall.” - He said the last sentence out loudly.

“Have no fear, my friend. You never will.” - Gerard grinned at him. I nodded my head and smiled. Suddenly, the cold wind wrapped my body, causing me to look at the entrance door. Chris appeared in the bar. Brendon and Gerard looked at each other, mystified.

“What’s he doing here?!” - I couldn’t hide my anger. Chris spotted us and walked briskly to Tyler.

“Since you didn’t show up yesterday, I just wanted to give you this.” - he said with monotone voice and dropped a Term paper on the table. “On the Decline of the West.”

“Maybe he didn’t want to see you.” - I hissed at him.

“I think Tyler can speak for himself.” - Chris did not even look at me. Tyler stood up to get a drink, but Chris grabbed his arm. Smaller boy tried to push him off, but obviously, Chris’ grip was too strong."Your library hijink made the morning paper. I'm sure you're all very proud.” 

“We know you set us up, we saw you!” - Brendon jumped up and tried to free Tyler from man’s grip, but once again, it didn’t work. I looked at Tyler, waiting for him to say something. Anything. But he was looking at his feet, in full silence. Chris let Tyler’s arm go. Suddenly, he threw down Tyler’s scarf to the table. A private power move.

“You left this at my place.” 

Brendon jolted up and shoved Chris back, pinning him on the wall.

“You motherfucker!” 

“You wanted me to get kicked out?!” - Tyler suddenly bawled at Chris.

“Stop, Ty.. You’re losing control again. You know what comes next. I know what comes next..” - Christopher whispered, looking straight into Tyler’s eyes. The younger man turned around, avoiding man’s gaze and mumbled. "Best of luck, Janitor.”

“What?!” 

“We are over. Leave..” - Tyler spindled the paper and plunged it into a beer. Chris in shock, pushed Brendon away and began to shatter in front of them.

“No,no.. Look at me, Ty.” - Tears welled in his eyes.But Tyler sat back down, ignoring him. Now Gerard stood up, trying to lead the crying man away.

“Chris you need to leave..” 

“You said I was everything to you. You are everything to me. Everything!! Do you hear me?” - Chris fractured. That was it: the real uninhibited, uncensored self.

“Christopher!” - Gerard tried to calm him down.

“Leave me alone, you bastard!” - He shouted and looked down at Tyler. "You'd be dead if it weren't for me!”

For a moment, Tyler’s eyes filled with sadness. But soon they became dead cold,again. What was he talking about?! Why would Tyler be dead? Finally, Gerard pushed Chris away. The man scanned us one last time and run from the pub. 

I felt Tyler’s hand on my shoulders and turned to face him.

“You’d be boring if it weren’t for me” - He smiled. It was a fake smile. For sure. I knew it was. But I smiled back. He looked at Brendon, who was lighting his cigarette and not paying any kind of an attention to us.

“Let’s get out of here.” - Tyler mumbled and his hand left my shoulders. I felt cold without his touch. 

—

Gerard’s snoring filled up the whole room. We were back in the dormitory. Me and Tyler,drunk as hell, have been sitting in the dead silence for two hours now. I was staring at him again. But, in fact, it was different this time. Because he was staring back at me. My heart was pumping so fast and loud, Brendon would probably hear it from the other side of the town. Suddenly, Tyler tucked his body near me.

"This is just the beginning, you know.” - He whispered and laid his head against my shoulder. "Your fault, Dun. It’s all your fault.” His thigh brushed against mine. I stared at him, in the full glare of his warmth. My eyes went up to check Gerard. He was dead asleep. I looked back at Tyler.

“First thought, best thought.” - I mumble and lean over. Fuck . My lips landed on his pink ones. I kissed Tyler. His taste was a mix of alcohol, cigarettes and.. blueberry Everything I’ve ever wished for the last month. Here it was. . Our kiss builded in passion as Tyler’s fingers stroke my cheeks. He moved closer and locked his arms on the back of my neck, causing me to moan a little. Oh shit.. I was getting really,really hard.

Gerard mumbled something in his sleep. Tyler tensed and pulled away. The moment has been shattered. Nice, Gerard. As if nothing happened. Tyler stood up and looked down at snoring Gerard. He crouched near him and pushed him slightly.

“Come on, Ger. We need to get back to our rooms.” - Gerard opened his eyes and sighed. He crawled out from the blanket and stood up from couch.

“Bye Josh. See ya.” - He said and yawned. Tyler patted his shoulder and smiled. 

“Go, sleepy-head.” - He looked back at me, eyes..empty. As if we did not kiss a moment ago. 

“Good night, Josh.” 

“Night,Ty.” - I whispered. Now I could see sadness in his eyes. 

“Ten pages on Spengler’s Decline of the West. Due tomorrow.” - He said suddenly.

“What?”

“I’d be dead without you,Josh.” - Shivers went down my spine.

And then he left. I put head in my hands. “Fuck.. Fuck!"


	2. our Bastille

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of chapters may be a little bit shorter than the other ones. But I hope it is okay :)

We were sitting on the floor in Tyler’s room. Brendon was lighting his 5th cigarette,humming some stupid melody. I was sitting next to him, leaning on the wall with my eyes closed.

“Children..Tell me this..” - Brendon spoke up suddenly. I opened my eyes and looked at him, effect of the weed still has not faded away from me. This guy was right, it was a real magic. Everything was in a slow mode, colors hight-pitched, things were blurred at the edges. "What do you hate from the pit of gut?” - he smirked and looked at Tyler, who was sitting on his bed, legs crossed and rummaging in the old books .

“Institutions.” - Tyler answered almost automatically, without looking up.

Brendon raised his eyebrows and turned around to face me.

“Uh..Paterson, New Jersey” - I joked, well tried at least. I grew in Paterson. And I really hated that place.

Brendon laughed and nodded

“My father.” - Tyler whispered and stopped for a second. Did he regret saying it? Well, I doubt it. It’s Tyler. I don’t think he ever regrets anything at all.

Brendon smiled. “Bingo” - He said and let out the smoke from his nostrils. We kept quiet for the next minute. I couldn’t help myself from staring at these men. They were so different. Different from everyone I’ve ever known. They were free,wild,even fascinating I might say.

“What the hell are you doing, Ty-guy?” - Brendon asked, breaking the silence again. He stood up, approaching Tyler’s bed. Tyler didn’t answer. He had this habit of leaving the questions to hang in the air. But Brendon seemed fine with it. I guess they’ve been friend for too long now, knowing each other too well. There was something in Tyler’s eyes, shifting from one place to another, barely concentrating on a thing.

"Um, Brendon?” - I said quietly. Brendon looked up and met my eyes. “Is he okay?” Brendon leaned a little, placing one hand on Tyler’s shoulder and trying to catch his gaze. 

“Ty-guy?” - he asked softly. Tyler’s head snapped up. He looked at his best friend with wide eyes. They stared at each other for a moment, but then Tyler blinked several times and shook his head.

“You good?” - Brendon spoke up again. The other boy nodded and looked away. He looked at me. I smiled. Of course I smiled. 

"Extraordinary men propel society forward.” - He said suddenly, he was speaking to me. “That’s how the world gets wider.” 

Okay. This boy was something. I wanted to get to know him. Every dark detail about him and his life. Why did every word that left his mouth feel so wonderful and magical? I did not know what to say, only one thing came up to my mind.

“Well, you are an extraordinary man.” - I mumbled.

Tyler smiled. It was an honest, warm smile he had never given me before. I felt blessed. “Well, thank you.” Oh, here I was staring again.  
But my staring process was cut off by Brendon shoving the book from the shelf to Tyler’s bed, almost hitting him in the head.  
“Return of the Native.” - He announced and grabbed another book from the shelf. “Chaucer.Gibbon.” - and another."Leviathan” - He continued to throw books, one by one. Some to Tyler, some to me. What the hell was he doing?! He walked to the other side of the room, reaching for the pair of scissors and throwing them too. I even panicked for a second. He could have hurt Tyler. But of course he did not. "Tear ‘em up boys. Destroy the old and build the new!” - He said happily, and laughed ,throwing his head back.

I glanced at Tyler, who was grinning now. He grabbed the scissors from his bed and literally started to tear the books up. Cutting, destroying them. 

“Come on, Joshy!” - Brendon appeared near me, holding out one of the books. I smiled at him and took it and started to rip off the pages. It was oddly satisfying. Maybe because of the weed.Or because I surrounded with two people, who were like thunderstorms for me. My eyes met Tyler’s passionate ones. I’ve never seen anyone looking so beautiful while destroying something. I haven’t noticed before how long his eyelashes were. Brendon cleared his throat, throwing me off my thoughts. I quickly turned to look at him and jumped slightly, because his face was too near with mine.

“I see what you’re doing there, little Dun-shine. Be aware, Tyler is not as easy as he seems to be.” - he whispered. Easy? Tyler was everything but easy. “You’re a really good guy,Joshy.So be careful with this boy. He’s not like anyone else out there.” - I knew he was right. I knew it from the second I saw Tyler. He was.. different. 

“You are not like anyone else too, Brendon.” - I tried to change the subject. Lame.

“Oh, I’m flattered.” - Brendon laughed. "We have entered into another universe." - He said and grabbed another book from the floor. “Here, take this. Leviathan. Ugh, I’ve always hated Hobbes. Too much of a western bible for one book. I trust you with destroying it. Tear it apart, Dun."


	3. wake, melancholy mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little filler. And yes, I've slightly changed the plot, so it's not the same as the movie.

I was sitting in my room, desperately trying to type something worthy. Something that would not sound too dumb. But I am Josh Dun. Whatever I do or say is dumb. So why would this essay be any different? I heard footsteps approaching my door. It had to be Brendon, he promised he would come by. Somebody knocked weakly on my door. This definitely was not Brendon. Brendon never knocked. He shouts my name, loudly bangs or just casually opens the door and walks in without invitation. This weak, poor knock was not him. I walked up the door and opened it. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was Chris.

“I..We need to talk. You mind if I.. come in?” - I was happy I finally met someone who asked to come in instead of rudely walking in. So I nodded.

“We don’t have anything to talk about.” - I closed the door behind him.

“It’s about Tyler.” - He was nervously pacing in my room now. 

“What about him?”

“I did something wrong. Really wrong. And you have no reason to help me. But.. I know who you are.” -He sat down on my chair and looked up at me. “You know,We’re the ones he needs, but never wants..”

“Okay, that’s it.” - I snapped. “What the hell do you want, Chris?! He doesn’t need you. He told you’re over, leave Tyler alone, for God’s sake!”

“You don’t understand!” - He shouted and I froze. “You don’t understand. He is all that I have. I can’t lose him. I almost did once, and no I can’t!” 

Suddenly, the door slammed. Furious Brendon approached Chris in the speed of light and punched him in the face with all the force he had.

“You son of a bitch!!” - I was shaking now. Everything happened so fast, i couldn’t even register. 

“You motherfucker!” - Brendon raised his fist to hit him once again, but I woke up from my trans and run up to him. 

“Brendon, stop it. Somebody will walk in. They will kick you out.” - I didn’t know what I was saying. Brendon’s face was twitching from the hate and disgust. Christopher’s nose was bleeding and his lip was busted, but he still managed to mumble:

“Your anger issues still haunt you, Urie, huh?"

“Shut the fuck up!” - Brendon tried to pull away from me.

“Relax, you idiot! Tyler doesn’t need a guardian angel. At least, that’s what he said to me.”

“You were never his guardian angel,Salih! You’re the devil! And don’t you dare to think, that only because Tyler doesn't blame you, we forgot what happened in Chicago! You will pay for everything!” - I couldn’t hold him anymore. Brendon pushed me away and pinned Chris on the wall. “Now get out of here, or I swear to God I will break your vertebras. One. By. One.”

Chris looked at me, like he was waiting for something. But I just watched. I did not move. So he smirked, nodded and pushed Brendon away, walking out of the room and slamming door behind him. I sighed of relief. Brendon bawled with anger and kicked the chair. 

“Brendon.” - He quickly turned round to face me. “You need to tell me everything. This can’t keep happening. I have to know.”

Brendon nodded silently and sat down on my bed, hands covering his face. He was trying to calm down. “What do you want to know?” - his voice was shaking.

“What happened in Chicago?” - I neared him and crossed arms on my chest.

“Ty tried to kill himself.” - He said these words like they were nothing. Like they didn’t crash my world and destroy everything I felt inside. I could not even stop myself from gasping. I felt my knees getting weaker. 

“What..?”

Brendon laid back on my bed and closed his eyes. “We went to Chicago for the weekend. Me, Ger, Ryan and Ty. We stayed in the hotel. On the second night, Tyler tried to overdose. We knew he was unhappy. He was desperate. But we would never think he could do something like this.. You know who found him? Me.” - My insides twisted. My brain was boiling. How? Tyler?! Why?!

“We were in the hotel bar, Tyler went up to our room, said he was tired or something. I don’t remember we were busted, drunk. I felt something was wrong. So I went to check on him. The room was empty when I walked in. I tried to go to the bathroom and it was locked. So it hit me. I smashed the door down and found him lying on the floor. Pale, barely breathing. " - Brendon's voice cracked. He was crying. " I called for a help.I was screaming and some lady in the next room called an ambulance. They saved him. We spent the whole week in the hospital.."

"When did it happen?" 

"You met him three weeks after that." 

Tears were choking me.

"Christopher was playing with his mind. He is a manipulative, abusive person. Tyler wanted to die because of him. He's the reason." He will never admit but I know it's true. - Brendon whispered. I couldn't even imagine what he went through. Brendon seemed so happy, energized all the time. But, in fact, he found his best friend unconscious and dying. And he saved him. Brendon Urie was a fucking hero. And nobody would ever tell.

"I will go." - He said suddenly. I didn't haven energy to tell him anything. He understood. "You know, I am really glad Ty has you now. And Chris is not his guardian angel. He never was,in fact. You are." - with these words he left the room. 

And I cried, again.


	4. fiery tears

I knocked on Tyler's door and squeezed the paper with my fingers. Three times,obviously. I heard him shuffle in the room. I've decided it was my invitation so I walked in. I saw Tyler packing some clothes into the suitcase.

"I brought your essay.." - I reached the paper to him, but he did not bother to look at it. Or at me. "Are you uh.. going somewhere?"

"Yes. I am officially fucking off."

Silence. He continued packing.

"Where?"

"I don't know, Josh." - He suddenly snapped, throwing clothes he was holding to the floor.

"You weren't going to tell me?" - My voice was shaking, eyes filled up with tears. I am so pathetic. Tyler didn't answer. Instead, he lighted a cigarette and sat down on his bed.

"Fuck you. You’re a phony. You got me and Brendon and Gerard making your vision come true. All because you couldn't do it yourself." - I bawled at him. My mind was getting blurry. He can't leave me. We fucking kissed.

"No, you got what you wanted. You were ordinary, just like every other freshman, and I made your life extraordinary." - His voice was annoyingly calm and monotone. I was breaking down right in front of him, and he was not even looking at me. "Leave me alone, Dun. Go be you now, all by yourself."

"You don't mean it. You don't mean any of it!"

"Fucking leave me alone!" - He snapped his head up to look at me. I saw tears in his eyes. He was hurt. He was so hurt. I approached his bed and kneeled beside him, my fingers locked on his cold, shaking ones. He did not flinch or move away. Thanks God.

"Ty, look at me." - I whispered. His eyes darted from one place to another, but they finally found me. Tears started to flow down his stupidly perfect face. "Talk to me." - I wiped the tears from his cheeks with my thumbs and smiled at him. He shook his head weakly, another wave of tears coming up to his huge, sad eyes.

"I.. I know about Chicago incident." - Why did I say that? Tyler looked at me with shocked eyes, lips slightly parted.

"No, no, you can't.. Who.."

"It's okay, Ty.. I won't let anything like that happen to you again. I've got you, okay? I promise.." - And he finally gave up. The coldness and indifference eventually left his face and eyes. I could see his real self. Naked, scared self. He was shaking.

"I am so sorry, Josh." - he whispered. "I am so sorry." 

"Don't apologize. And Ty.." - I cupped his face and looked straight into his scared eyes. "Don't leave me.."

His looked at his suitcase. My breath flinched and heart was beating too fast. Please, please, please.. Honey colored eyes returned to my face.

"I can't stay,Jishwa."

"Yes you can. Stay with me. For me. "

"No. I don't even know you. And you obviously don't know me.." - It felt like a knife digging into my heart. But I recovered.

"You're right. I don't know you. Nobody does. You are something.. magical. Out of this world. I have never met anyone like you. You're a hurricane, I fucking thunderstorm. I need you, Tyler. And you can't leave me. Not now, after we..."

"What? Kissed?" - He quickly moved away from me, his voice suddenly became cold again. - "The kiss meant nothing, Dun. Remember the girl from the first party we've ever been together? I kissed her too. But did not give a single fuck about her. I just wanted her drink."

"So you're saying that our kiss meant nothing?" - I laughed sarcastically. At myself, of course. 

"Nothing. At all."

"You're lying."

"I am not lying, Joshua."

"Well, fucking prove it." - I leaned, moving my face near his. Our noses were touching, I could feel his warm breath. "Prove me this means nothing to you." 

My lips connected with his chapped, cold ones. I ran my fingers through his messy hair, other hand wrapped around his back. He gave in. He kissed me back. Passionately, with every atom. My heart was ready to jump out of my chest. Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. He was making me go mad. We were moving in unison, our lips parting and connecting again and again. I, somehow, managed to pull away from his blueberry lips for a moment, barely catching my breath.

"Tell me this means nothing, you pussy." - I whispered and rested my forehead against his.

"Fuck you, Dun." - He whispered back and his lips were back were they belonged,kissing me again. No,he won't leave. He would never leave. I fucking knew it.


	5. it was pastoral, shimmering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something's gonna happen in the next chapter. So get ready :)

“Tell me you are not going to ruin that precious piece of magic-plant, Dun.” 

Brendon pulled away from Ryan’s kiss and hissed at me. I shook my head and dragged from the joint. We've been at his place for the whole week, smoking “magic-plant” and taking tons of different drugs. I never asked where does he get all of this stuff. I never cared,in fact. I never asked where his parents were, why was he living alone in this huge house. Our friendship was not build on facts, it was build on something else. I’ve only known him for such a little amount of time, but I loved Brendon. With my whole heart. He was such a good man. Once, he told me how he hates the fact, that the love Ryan gave to him would never outweigh the odium Brendon feels towards himself. I still think about these words sometimes.  
I looked at Gerard, who was sitting near the white,shiny piano Brendon owned. His fingers were lacing and dancing around it’s keys, creating magnificent sounds. Fuck, this man was talented. They all were talented. What did they find in me? Finally, my eyes landed on the man that messed up my mind the minute I sad him. Tyler Joseph, sitting on the floor near the piano and humming along Gerard’s melody. I never knew he could sing. His voice was soothing my thoughts. I knew he was writing poems, but I never thought these poems would transform into music. I inhaled the smoke from my joint once again and handed it to Brendon. Then I leaned back on the couch and closed my eyes, listening to Tyler’s magical voice and the melody Gerard’s fingers created. I was blessed to have them in my life. So blessed. I remember the phrase from my father’s sonnet - 'I’ve seen the greatest minds of my generation destroyed by madness,starving hysterical naked.’ These men were mad. And I hoped they would never get destroyed.

“Wake, melancholy Mother, wake and weep!

Yet wherefore? Quench within their burning bed

Thy fiery tears, and let thy loud heart keep

Like his, a mute and uncomplaining sleep” - Brendon mumbled, dragging off the joint and looking straight at me. “Are you still with us, or your mind left and flew off to the space,Dun?” 

I smiled at him. “No, I’m here.” Brendon looked at Tyler for a moment, then back at me and smirked, arching his brow. He was too smart.  
Suddenly, Tyler stopped singing. He stood up from his spot and approached the couch I was sitting on. My heart jumped. But, I quickly registered he was not going to sit near me. Instead, he landed beside Brendon and Ryan, on the floor next to the couch. I wanted to scream. Tyler took a joint away from Brendon’s fingers and placed it between his lips. 

“Joshua Dun is always here, always by our side, right?” - he murmured, I felt a sarcasm in his words. I did not know how to respond, so I kept quiet. What the hell?

“Ouch, Tyler. The fuck’s matter with you?” - I heard Gerard’s voice from behind. He also stopped playing so the room drowned in silence for the next hour.

“You know.. Some things, once you love them,become yours forever.And if you try to let them go...they only circle back and return to you.They become part of who you are..” - I whispered after the long, disturbing silence. My whisper was loud enough for everyone to hear me out. Especially Tyler.

"Or they destroy you.” - He whispered back, looking at me like I was some piece of art. I felt shivers going down my spine. His eyes lightened up, like he came up with some kind of an idea. Tyler got up suddenly, dropping the joint to the floor, but never paying an attention to it.

“Ty-guy?” - Brendon was obviously surprised. We all were. 

“I gotta.. I have to.. Go. I need to go.” - With these words Tyler approached the door, opened it and ran out. He did not even close the door. Gerard jumped from his sit and followed him.

“Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the God damn door?!” - Brendon shouted furiously. I was still in shock, not figuring out what just happened. Why the hell did Brendon care about the door right now?! After some time, Gerard came back, trying to catch his breath. he slammed the door behind him.

“He’s gone. I couldn’t stop him, motherfucker runs too fast.” - with these words he crashed on the couch next to me. “I just hope he did not go to Salih.”

I hoped too..


	6. honor slaying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW a mention of the character's death

**** Flashback ****

_"So, my question for today is. How do you define Purity? What is you explanation of it?" - Professor Steeves was pacing in the room, reading glasses sat on his slightly hooked nose. His gaze fell on Tyler, who was sitting in the first row. "Mr. Joseph?"_

_Tyler looked up at him with his usual smirk. "Yes, professor Steeves?"_

_"Tell us about your concept of purity. I am sure you have your own VISION on it. You always do." - Professor sat on the corner of his desk and raised his eyebrows. Tyler cleared his throat and straightened in his seat._

_"Purity is the lily among virtues — by it men approach to the Angels." -He spoke up with a calm,soothing voice. "That's how St. Francis De Sales defined it. Maybe purity approaches us to something sacral. But it is not a key to "Heaven." I, in fact, doubt there is such thing as Heaven. It just makes us more human. It defines what we mean, what we are. There is no beauty without purity. To achieve the rank of "human" you have to be pure. For example, I tell you, you will never find as pure a man as Joshua Dun." - He suddenly pointed at me and smiled. I wanted to disappear. His eyes returned back to Professor, who looked a little surprised. "I think being human is purity. That's all I have to say." - Tyler said and smiled at him._

_Professor, and the whole class in fact, stayed quiet for a minute, still processing Tyler's words._

_"I've been teaching in this university for twenty years now, Mr. Joseph. And I ask this question every year, to every class. And I have never heard an answer, so complicated and fair at the same time. I am impressed. This definitely is the New Vision." - He smiled at Tyler. "So, anyone else wants to share his ideas..."_

**** End of the flashback ****

I have't seen Tyler for two days. I haven't seen Brendon, or even Gerard. I felt like they simply erased me from their lives. But I was just being selfish. Maybe something happened..  
The knock on my door at three a.m. was something I needed to get used to already. But I never did, and it still scared the hell out of me when somebody started to bang on it that night. I cursed under my breath, rolled to from the bed and opened the door. Gerard was breathing heavily, his hands were shaking and eyes darting from one place to another. Something horrible must have happened, Gerard was never the one to show emotions. 

"Josh. Oh God, Josh.." - My guts twisted. He was sobbing.

"Gerard, calm down." - I grabbed his arm and helped him to come into my room,closing the door behind us. I leaded him to my bed. He sat down, still in shock. 

"What happened?" He was not looking at me. Gerard was scared. A horrible thought came up in my brain. "Gerard,Where is Tyler?"

"Josh how could we let this happen?!" - He shouted suddenly. My vision blurred. 

"Did Tyler..?"

"What? No. No he did not kill himself." - He shook his head and I let out a sigh of relief. Thanks God.. "Josh, something terrible, disastrous happened."

"Tell me."

"Tyler killed someone."

I felt my kneed getting weak, I collapsed to the floor, still not believing what I have just heard. Panic was embracing my trembling body. 

"Gerard.. Gerard what are you talking about?!" - I worked really hard for my voice to leave my throat.

"Christopher is dead. Tyler stabbed him to death. Tyler killed Chris." - He let out a broken sob. I managed to get up and approached Gerard. I locked him into my embrace, and he sobbed even harder. Chris was his friend. And Tyler.. What were we supposed to do?!

"It it.. our fa..fault Josh." - He weeped. I stroked his hair. 

"Fuck.." - I whispered. Fuck. "Does.. Brendon know?"

"He came to us after that. We helped him to hide a knife.. Tyler was destroyed. He hardly managed to stay on his feet. He said.. He said it was a self-defense. Chris tried to.. he.." 

"What..?

"He.. Fuck, he tried to rape him."


	7. next of kin

"I need to see him." - I was standing in the dark hallway. My eyes saw nothing but Brendon's slim silhouette leaning on the wall,the only thing radiating the tiny spark of light was a cigarette between his fingers. 

"I can't let you in, Josh." - Brendon shook his head. All of his energy,brightness and crazy messiness was gone. He became numb,cold,emotionless. This was not Brendon..

"Bren, I fucking need to see him." - My voice shook and I hated myself for it. Brendon didn't answer me. He slid down the wall and covered his eyes with trembling hands. I kneeled beside him. "I don't know what to do. I barely function. I can't be this way.."

"Did Gerard tell you how Chris died?" - He whispered. I stayed silent. "He might not have wanted you to know, Josh. Tyler tied Chris up after stabbing him. He put stones in his pockets to weigh him down. And dragged him into the Hudson River.." - Brendon looked up at me, with tears in his once shimmering with joys eyes. "Chris was alive, Josh. Until Ty made him drown. This.." - He went down to his pockets and tossed a pack of Lucky Strike, now speckled with blood - to the floor. "He brought this.. Christopher's Luckies." 

I was still processing everything. Tyler murdered Chris. Brutally, violently. And you know what was the most interesting and the scariest part? I wanted to see Tyler even more now.

"We all will go to jail, Josh. Me, Gerard, and of course Ty. For staying silent. Out lives are over." 

"You need to let me in, Bren. He needs help." - Brendon looked at me again. Not believing what I was saying. 

"Maybe, after all, you really are his angel." - He sounded so broken. "Go on. You can see him. I don't give a fuck. It can't get any worse." Before getting up and going into the room, I locked Brendon into my embrace. I felt his sobs rising up and leaving his chest. 

"It will be okay, Bren. We will be okay.." 

"No. We were never okay, and we never will be, Josh. " - He said to me, after being able to catch his breath and pulling away from my hug. "The point is to save Ty. From his head, from his thought. He blames himself so much, he hates every inch of his existence." - His voice cracked again and a new wave of sobs covered him. "Pl..Please save Ty, Josh.. Please save h..him.."

\--

I did not knock on the door. Seems like these people affected too many details in my life. And now I did not even knock three times like I always did. I just walked in, no sound leaving my mouth. Tyler was sitting on the floor next to his bed, eyes squeezed closed and breathing heavily. I did not say a thing, or what could I say? I approached him and crouched, getting to the level of his face. My fingers twitched, as I reached them out and stroke the tear paths on his cheeks with my thumbs. He opened his bloodshot, sad, horrified eyes and looked at me. But I was not sure he saw me. Or anything at all. He was in trance,shock. I neared him even more, our faces were inches away now. 

"Ty.." - I mouthed. My vocal chords were too weak to release any sound. Tyler's hand suddenly flew up to his hair, clutching so hard I was sure he was about to rip them out. His body started to shake violently.  
"What have I done what have I done what have I done what have I done" - he repeated the same words over and over, even when I clasped him with my body and embraced him, even when he was clutching on my back, trying to catch his breath. He repeated these words. Again and again and again. Then, some other horrible words followed - "I've killed him. I made him disappear. He no longer exists. I am a filthy murderer. A nasty cheater. I tried to cheat a life and save my purity, while destroying a human being. I don't deserve to live. I should have died. A long time ago."

"Don't you dare to say these things, Tyler. You had to protect yourself. You had no other choice." - His eyes focused on my face, but I was sure he still was not seeing me.

"Go."

"Ty, don't.."

"The libertine circle has come to an end. Go back to the beginning." - he said with a monotone voice. What the hell did it mean?!

"I don't under.."

"LEAVE!" - he bawled, covering his face with palms and crying out. "FUCK OFF! GET AWAY FROM ME!! DON'T.. DON'T TOUCH ME!" - He slapped my hands. It hurt. Everything hurt. 

"You have to tell them it was a self-defense. You have to.."

"I WANTED HIM DEAD!! DON'T YOU GET IT, I WANTED THE MOTHERFUCKER TO BE GONE AND DEAD. AND NOW HE IS DEAD AND I AM A FUCKIN MURDERER.. A monster.."

"Tyl.."

"Get out, Dun. Get the fuck out of here." - He was scaring me. For the first time in my life, somebody I loved was scaring me. I stood up, my eyes never leaving his face. I waited. But Tyler did not look up at me. His eyes did not beg for me to stay.

"I love you, Tyler."

"Fuck..Off.." - He whispered back. So I've left the room. The last thing I heard was a quiet whisper. 

_"What have I become.. I'm sorry.."_

I shut the door behind me. In the same moment I was pulled in a warm hug. I closed my eyes and let the tears finally run down my face.

"I am sorry. I was wrong. He can't be saved, Josh. None of us can be."


	8. an obedient rebel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don't think anybody read this fic, but whatever :D
> 
> can't really be called a chapter,the  
> filler maybe

"Josh,is everything okay baby?" - I heard my mother's soothing voice at the other end of the phone line. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry and tell her how ruined I was. How a single boy managed to break me in such a little amount of time. 

"Yes,mom. I miss you." - I really did. My mother had.. some problems. Serious ones. A week before my arrival to the Columbus, my father took her to a mental hospital. Everything that was happening to her was wrong. She did not deserve it.

"You know, I'm glad your father brought me here.He would leave me alone in the house. I was going to die there.."

"No, mom. That’s not true."

"I know it is. But I’m okay now. I’m your mother. And I’m okay." - she stopped for a moment, then added in whisper -"But you’re not." I sighed. It was really hard to hide things from her. Even when she was literally losing her mind, she still felt me.

"I’m in over my head. Someone I know killed a man. And I don’t know what to do. I think.. I think he needs my help. And I don’t know how should give it to him. I don’t know if it’s right. It’s just a mess.." - My voice cracked at the end.

"Let him go. Don’t help him." - She said suddenly.

"No..I can’t, mom. He’s my.. he's my best friend."

"Listen to me." - She says, with more strength than she has displayed in years. "Sometimes we can't give people what they need. Especially when it comes to something as big as a help. Look at me. You love me, you fathers loves me. But you couldn't help me. In fact, the best thing your father has ever done to me was fail me and get me here. Josh, your friend will take you down with him. He will drown you. And trust me, drowning is a mess. You will never be able to swim back to the surface. Let him go, or go down with him. It is simple as that."

**** Flashback ****

(third person's POV)

Tyler and Chris were walking once more of the night of the murder. They were arguing.Tyler, drunk, tossed his flask into the bushes. 

"Let’s get out of the city. Anywhere you want. I’ve saved up." - Chris was following him, desperate.

"I was just a kid, you dragged into your perverted mess!" - Tyler screamed at him.

"How can you say that? I need you, and you need me back!" - Tyler stopped short,staring hard at Chris. "I will never give up on us,Tyler."

"You're pathetic." - Tyler walked on, but Chris lunged for him. Tyler merged to throws him off, spinning free from his grasp. He pulled out his Boy Scout knife from his pocket. The two men faced each other. The bare blade flashed between them.

"Now I know how you felt." - the man whispered

"When?" 

"When you wanted to die.." -Chris took a step, closing the gap between him and the knife. "Do it." - Chris said. "I dare you to strike." Tyler shook his head, pulling the knife back to his pocket. In the same second, Chris roughly clutched into Tyler's shoulders and pinned him on the wall. With one hand he hold the smaller boy's arms up, and started to kiss his neck, jaw, cheeks. Sloppily, leaving wet tracks on Tyler's face.

"No.Get..Off me." - Tyler tried to push the man back, but he was too strong. And Tyler was too weak. 

"You are mine, you stupid bastard. You will never be able to get rid of me. Anywhere you go, I will follow. So you either kill me, or be mine forever." - Chris mumbled and his one hand went up into Tyler's shirt. That was it.  
Tyler squeezed the knife. Everything happened too fast.Chris stepped forward onto the blade,and Tyler did not back off. Instead, he grind the knife into Chris even further.. The man gasped, noticing the knife deep in his chest to the hilt. Blood pumped from the gash. He looked back up at shocked Tyler,who dropped the knife and covered his mouth with hands.

"Oh my god..." - Chris dropped, clutching his shirt, his life pulsing from his chest..

\--

Out in the Hudson River, Tyler cradled Christopher's dying body in his arms. He looked up at sobbing Tyler, his last moment of life. His eyes closed and Tyler released Chris out into the current. The man sank into the depths of the Hudson, becoming just a shadow then disappearing altogether. 

**** End of the flashback ****

He was looking out of the window. He noticed when I came into the room, but certainly did not care enough to turn around. I approached him, I felt my knees getting weaker. I stopped near him and looked at him.

"He loved you." - I said quietly. His brows flinched slightly. He did not expect I would speak about it. But I continued. "And the truth is, once.." I had to take a deep breath, before saying it. "The truth is, once you loved him back." Tyler slowly turned his head, looking at me with an emotion I couldn't read. A cocktail of fury, shock, pain and sadness was directed my way. He must have hated me at the moment. But I needed to tell him. He needed to know. "You needed him as much as he needed you. But this secret ate away at you. So in Chicago, you tried to kill yourself." 

For a minute, he stared at me with wide eyes. I looked away, but still felt him looking at me. Then his eyes moved back to the window, and I felt naked without his gaze.

"Some things once you love them become yours forever. And if you try to let them go...They only circle back and return to you. They become part of who you are.." - He whispered,repeating the words I told him that evening.

"Or they destroy you." - I finished and touched his hand. "I am so sorry this happened. I am so sorry your love got destroyed. I am sorry your love destroyed you,Ty." 

He moved his hand away from my touch, and turned his back at me.

"I am here to help you, Tyler. You need to let me in." - I moved closer to him.

"Are you my fucking therapist now?!" - He shouted suddenly and faced me, he even caused me to flinch. I opened my mouth to answer, but he stopped me. "You wanted him gone too. Don't you dare to tell me it is not true. And you know what? Yes. Yes I fucking loved him. With my whole existence. But it was not enough, it never is. He wanted too much of me, he wanted to become a part of me, psychically! And even I don't want to be me, so yes, it destroyed me. It shattered me.." - His anger disappeared in a second, and he went back to being numb. Tyler turned away. 

"Another lover hits the universe. The circle is broken. But with death comes rebirth. And like all lovers and sad people.. I am a poet." - He whispered.


	9. the manuscript

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW for a suicide attempt (kind of)

Two weeks ago, Ty surrendered to the police and pleaded guilty. Tyler never mentioned going to Brendon or Gerard for a help. He did not take anyone down with him. Two weeks ago they took him away from me and locked him up. 6 days ago we all went to his court. 4 days ago he was sentenced to spend 2 years in the prison. We all testified that Chris was an abusive person, Tyler told them about Chris trying to rape him,so it was named as a self-defense. 2 days ago I saw Tyler in handcuffs. I saw the saddest teary eyes I've ever seen on anyone. I saw Brendon sinking to his knees and Ryan trying to calm his hysterical lover. I saw Gerard's face twisting from the anger and saw him storming out from the court. I've I locked up in my room that evening. I hated the world, I hated everything. The only thing I loved was destroyed and taken away from me. The only person that made me feel alive for the last 19 years was in the cold prison cell, probably staring at the wall and wishing to be dead. 

And this is where I am now.  
I am sitting in the pub where we use to go. I am drinking the beer we used to share. I look up at the walls, they've added some new photos and peaces from the newspapers.  
"A student killed his friend on the shore of a Hudson River. He is held without bail. Awaiting deposition. Attesters claimed, that Chris Salih, a victim, was abusing and tried to rape his murderer.." It was followed with photos from the court, photos of Chris and Tyler..

****Flashback****

_“I hate that wall.” - Tyler whispered to me. “It is build to make people think they left some mark on the world. Because otherwise nobody would ever know.. I don’t ever want to end up on this wall.” - He said the last sentence out loudly._

_“Have no fear, my friend. You never will.” - Gerard grinned at him._

****End of the flashback****

I hear somebody clearing his throat behind me. I quickly turn my head around.

"He would tear that wall down if he saw it." - Brendon looks like he lost a lot of weight since the last time I've seen him. His eyes are red,bloodshot. Hair messy, sticking out in different directions. He has dark circles under the eyes. He looks devastated,ruined. The boy sits down next to me and tried to light a cigarette with his shaking hands. It doesn't work, so I help. 

"How are you, Joshua?" - He exhales and asks me. I shrug. How am I? How are we? I don't know, honestly. 

"They said we can visit Ty this weekend.." - I mumble.

"I don't think Tyler wants to see us. Not yet, at least." - Brendon sighs and closes his eyes. "I uh.. I think it is over. I mean, me and Ryan. We're done.."

"What? What happened, Bren?" - Honestly, I am glad we changed the subject. But I feel my heart shattering in my chest. I saw sparkles in Ryan's eyes overtime he looked at Brendon. I felt how calm Brendon was with him. Brendon needs Ryan, more than he needs oxygen or water.

"It all is too much. For me, for him. I became unbearable. I don't feel anything. I am numb. And love doesn't stay with someone who is numb and empty..."

"Brendon, you are not empty. It will be okay, It all is just temporary. It will go away."

"I don't know,Josh. I'm note sure..I can't take him down with him. I..I love him,you know?" - His voice cracks, and causes my heart to break even more. I hate that I'm getting used to see my friends ruined and hurt.

"Yeah I know, Bren.." 

"I know you love Tyler." - He says and smiles at me, with the kindest smile he ever gave me. I don't know what to say, so I nod. "It is okay, you know. But it is hard. To love someone dark, closed and uh..different. It is hard for you. And it is hard for Ryan. So I've let him go. But Ty.. He can't let you go. It's like he clutched onto your existence. You help him to survive. you help him to..be." - He suddenly leans forward, his face getting serious and voice lowering. "So don't you dare to give up on him. Joshua Dun. Don't you fucking dare."

\--  
_Third person's POV. Tyler's cell._

Tyler furiously ripped his bedsheet into the strips. His hands are shaking, head's messed up, his vision is blurry and his ears hurt. He somehow fashions a noose around his neck and ties the sheet to one of the cell bars. Tyler closes his eyes and lets out a wet sob. The knot on the noose catches and he is hanging, choking, desperate to die and yet fighting for his life. But the knot on the cell bars releases as Tyler falls to the ground,coughing and gasping. He is sobbing, trying to catch his breath,kicking,screaming. He doesn't hear a guard rushing into his cell, he doesn't feel a man squeezing his shoulders and shaking him.

"GET OFF ME! LET ME JUST.." - He screams, never looking up to face a person holding him.

"Shit, what the hell were you thinking?! You have to calm down. Breath.. Hey, look at me." - A soothing voice makes his way up in his ears,and finally Tyler manages to focus through all the blur and tears on the face in front of him. He sees a kneeled man with beautiful, deep blue eyes and a warm smile.  
"Here you are." - The sighs with a relief. "My name is Dallon. And I guess your're Tyler. You're new here,right? I've hear about you."  
Tyler opened his mouth to say something, but Dallon did not let him.

"I don't judge,kid. I've seen a lot of criminals. Killers. But you're definitely not one of them." - He smiles at Tyler. "You're just a scared kid. And this.." - He grabs a destroyed bedsheets from the floor. "This is not the way out, trust me. Man up, Joseph. For people who love you." - Dallon gets up, and Tyler realizes this man was the tallest person he's ever seen. 

"I have to go and check other prisoners, but I'll bring you some new sheets. If you fell an urge to do anything like this again, you can tell me. At least, I'll show you how to tie a noose tighter than this one." - The giant-man smiles again and leaves his cell. 

"For the people who love you.." - Tyler repeats Dallon's words. Nobody loves him. Nobody except Josh.  
Tyler climbes into his bed, he doesn't wait for a guard to come back with bedsheets, his eyelids are getting heavier, he breathes out and for the first time in a month he lets a sleep take over him.

\--


	10. waist deep in the water.

I passed by dozens of prison glasses, nervously hiding my hands in the front pocket of my hoodie. Faces full of anger, eyes full of hate. Scary, intimidating people. Murderers, rapists, burglars.. I've even heard some enormous man with the dragon tattoo on his neck whistle loudly as I walked past him. I tried to ignore the sounds, locked my brain from all this mess. I finally approached the glass a guard pointed me to. I sat down, took off the beanie and ran a hand through my cotton-pink hair. I've heard the guy, who has been whistling before, shout out:

"Nice hair, princess! Can't wait to see the rest of you!" - his voice was annoyingly loud. Other prisoners started to laugh. I covered the face with my hands and sighed. The seat on the other side of the glass was still empty. It meant I had to wait. After what felt like 20 minutes, I saw a familiar silhouette being escorted by two guards. I shifted in my chair, and looked down. My heart was trying to jump out of my body and run away. I was not ready to face Tyler, even after a month of not seeing him. I heard him moving his chair and sitting down. I took a phone from the hanger, without looking up at Tyler. An awkward silence filled the phone line..

"You will have to look at me eventually, you know.." - He whispered. It sent shivers down my spine. God, I missed his voice. My eyes slowly went up and we finally made an eye contact. He has changed. Tyler lost weight,his chocolate-colored eyes became darker and sadder. I noticed his upper lip was busted and his neck was covered with blue and purple bruises. 

"What happened to your face?" 

"He wanted to fuck me. I've decided taking a punch in my face would feel better." - he pointed towards the huge guy, who was staring at me now. 

"And.. And what about..?" - I touched my neck. He let out a sarcastic laugh and shook his head. 

"I like your hair, Joshua." - He said and smiled at me. I've missed his dimples.

"I've missed your dimples." - Why did I say it out loud?! His smile fell down, brows furrowed. He leaned forward, placing his left hand on the glass and stared at it. Here he was. Weird, confusing Tyler was back.

"I miss your smell, Josh." - he mumbled. I felt the blood boiling inside of me. Tyler has never said anything like this. I placed my shaking hand on my side of the glass and tried to smile.

"I will wait for you." 

He snapped his hand back from the glass and furiously looked at me. 

"Don't you dare. This is not what we fought for. This is not what we believe in." 

"The only thing I believe in is you, Tyler. I need you, so I will wait. And don't YOU dare to push me away.."

He was looking at me. His lips twitched and he leaned back in his chair.

"How's Bren?" - He was really bad at changing the subjects. 

"He uh.. He tries to be okay. He and Ryan have some problems. He misses you.."

"Gerard?" - It sounded like he was not even interested. 

"Fine. He wrote some new poems. They are beautiful." - Tyler nodded and scratched his cheek.

"Josh I uh.. I don't know if I'm gonna make it.." - he whispered suddenly. Sadness and distress filled up his eyes. My eyes went wide and I placed my hand back on the glass. I realized where the bruises on his neck were from.

"Tyler Joseph, don't you dare to give up on yourself. I never fucking did!"

"Drop it, Joshua. I am not capable of taking my own life, as you can see. Plus, Dallon won't let me do it. He is obsessed with me. I just.. I am going mad, okay?" - He put his index finger to his temple. "In here. Everything is spinning and I.. I am a goner.. I need somebody to catch my breath."

I felt my eyes becoming wet.

"Ty.."

"Time's up. Say your goodbyes." - A tall guard approached Tyler and crossed arms on his chest. 

"Oh.. Josh,This is Dallon. He found me on the dirty cell floor struggling to breath and ruined my suicide plan." - My guts twisted. "And Dall.." - Tyler looked up to face the man. "This is Joshua. My guardian angel." - My breath hitched. Dallon nodded and smiled at me. I tried to smile back, but my eyes couldn't leave Tyler's sad face.

"He has to leave. I am sorry, Tyler. Time's up. Rules are rules." - Dallon's voice snapped me out of the trans. I stood up from the chair, still holding up the phone near my ear.

"Josh?" - Tyler's voice cracked. I looked down at him and I swear I could see tears in his eyes.

"Yes, Ty..?"

"Don't let me be gone.." - he whispered. I bent down and locked my eyes on his scared ones.

"I will come back Ty. Just.. Stay alive. For me.." - He did not answer. 

I straightened up, hang up the phone and looked at him one last time. Tyler was still sitting there,not moving, still clutching the telephone. I put the grey beanie back on, hiding my pink locks and turned around. This was too much. 

I left the prison building and walked down the street. No, this was fucking too much. I leaned on the brick wall and finally let myself to let the wet sobs out. I wanted to die. Everything hurt. I needed Tyler more than I thought I would. I slid down the wall and covered my face with hands, sobbing and weeping. Ty was alone. I was alone. We were weak and beaten down.. We were inside out.


	11. the war awaits

The loud banging on my door snapped me out of my books. I slowly got up from my desk and approached the door. The banging became louder. I sighed and opened it. I thought I was ready to face anything, but I was wrong. 

"I..Think I need your..help.." - Brendon was leaning on the doorframe, with blood on the face. His lip was busted and the nose was probably broken. His clothes were ripped. 

"Brendon what happ.."- i couldn't finish my question as Brendon collapsed into my arms and we both went down to our knees. "Bren?? Hey, look at me." - I cupped his face and shook him slightly. "Hey! Dammit Brendon open your eyes, for God's sake!" - I somehow managed to carry him to the bed. His eyes were shut but he was mumbling words I barely understood.

"Brendon, Who did this to you?!"

"Take.. this unbloomed stalwart.."

"What are you tal.."

"Let the.. prisoners come out.. and play." - He was shaking his head, brows furrowed. I put my hand to his forehead, and fuck, his temperature was obviously too high.

"Oh shit, you're burning Bren. Wait, I'll bring some water and tissues to clean you up,buddy." - I got up from the bed but felt a weak squeeze of shaking fingers on my forearm. I looked down to meet Brendon's bloodshot, red eyes.

"Call..Ry.." 

**

Brendon finally fell asleep, after hours of mumbling, kicking and crying. There was no point in his words. But that one sentence he kept repeating over and over again was stuck in my mind.

"The prisoners come out and play.."

Ryan was stroking hair of his lover, who's head was resting on his lap. The boy's face was twisted with pain, paths of tears still not fading away.

"Why would anyone do this to him?" - He asked quietly.

"I don't know. I don't understand anything.." - I sat down near Ryan and rubbed my face with hands. This shit would never end, right?

"What the hell did he take? He's fucking high, and drunk.." - Ryan mumbled.. 

We sat in the silence for at least an hour before he spoke up again.

"He uh..He broke my heart,you know.. I thought I lost him.. He left me, because he is messed up and broken." - He looked at me, eyes filled with distress.

"He loves you, Ryan. More than anything in this world. He simply doesn't want you to suffer. He brings torment with him. They all do."

"Who they?" - Ryan looked at me confused

"Sad people. Brendon,Gerard.."

"Tyler"- Ryan whispered

"Yes, Tyler.." - Ryan put his hand on my knee and smiled at me, tried at least.

"We can't leave them, Josh. You know that,right?" - I nodded weakly. Of course I knew. "Even if I wanted to leave Brendon.. Something keeps bringing me back to him. It's like he.."

"Widens your world?" - I interrupted him.

He sighed and stroked Brendon's cheek with his thumb. 

"Chris' death was too much for him. Them. And then Tyler..." - He couldn't finish. Brendon's brow furrowed again as he started to shake violently.

"B..Bren?"- Ryan tried to hold his hands, but Brendon pushed him away and started to scream, bawl even.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ALL!" - Brendon was kicking now, we couldn't even approach him.

"Brendon.. Baby it's me. It's Ryan.. I am here, please let me help you." - Ryan crouched near the bed and connected his finger with Brendon's. The other boy suddenly snapped out of hysteria.

"Ry..?"

"Yes.. Yes baby it's me.." 

"Help..me.." - Brendon started to sob.

"Hey, I've got you, Bren.. I will help you." - Ryan put his palm on his lover's forehead and then looked at me, shaking his head. He still had temperature.

"This whole town's.. full of finks on the 30th floor, writing pure chintz.. Writers, real writers, gotta be in the beds.. In the trenches... In all the broken places. Where are you trenches..WHERE ARE THEY?!" - There were tears streaming down Brendon's face now. 

"Fuck Josh, we need to put him in the cold water. Fill the bath, now." - Ryan ordered. I've never seen him like this. He was so fragile, weak. But now.. I saw strength in his eyes. Love does this to people, I realized. I ran to the bathroom and turned on the cold water. Then I returned to the room and helped Ryan to strip already unconscious Brendon down to his boxers. 

"You stupid idiot. What did you get yourself into?" - Ryan lifted Brendon up and carried him to the bathroom. He slowly lowered the boy into the freezing water.

"Hold his head." - He told me. "I'll bring the towels." 

I nodded and did as he said. This was going be a long night..


	12. trapdoor

"You need to tell us what happened."

Brendon was sitting on the bed, legs crossed and eyes shut, with Ryan sitting beside him and gently stroking his hair. His bruises were very visible now, his lip was swollen slightly. He has not spoken the any of his friends since the morning. I was standing in front of them, nervously pulling the sleeves of my hoodie.

"There is nothing to tell." - Brendon whispered. Ryan looked up at me, then shook his head and sighed.

"Brendon, you nearly died." - Ryan said, his voice was full of concern. "Who did this to you? Are you in trouble?"

"No. I had a fight in the pub,okay? It's nothing."

We stayed quiet for the next half an hour. I was pacing in the room, anxiety filled up my body. This was not right. This should not have happened. Ryan continued to caress Brendon's skin with his fingers and whisper soft words to his ear, but the other boy just seemed.. Numb.

"I want to see Tyler." - He finally spoke up and my heart missed beat. I should have seen this coming. I sighed and sat near Brendon.

"Ar you sure? Bren, that place is not really good and.."

"I am fucking sure." - Brendon hissed and made me flinch. I nodded and whispered a quiet "okay". "I need to see him."

"Let's visit him.. Tomorrow." - I smiled at my friend, tried to get rid of the tension between them, but it did not work. It never does.

__

The same place and the same feeling. The anxiety rising up in my chest, shivers going down my spine. The same bald man staring up at me from behind the glass,a cold smirk painted on his face. I wanted to disappear,to no longer exist. I clutched on Brendon's hand.

"You brought a friend, princess?!" - The man shouted to us. His loud voice was the only thing I could concentrate on."Good, I love threesomes!" - He barked and let out an ugly laugh.

"Fuck you, you piece of rotting meat." - Brendon hissed at the man and spit into his direction. I had to literally drag him away from the glass. But it caused the guy to shut up and I was thankful for it. We passed other prisoners. All of them looked..Horrifying. This place was horrifying. We finally approached the glass with an empty chair on the other side.Brendon flopped down on his seat and sighed. I sat down beside him, taking of my beanie. My pink locks were the reason so many people stared at me once again. A familiar silhouette walked in. Dallon was escorting him,as always. He moved a chair back, so Tyler could sit down. He looked thinner then before. His hair was shaved, lip busted but the bruise on his neck was almost gone. He smirked. Brendon clutched on the telephone and spoke up when Tyler lifted the one on his side.

"Hey there." - His voice cracked. I felt my guts twisting in a knot.

"Hey, Brenny." - Tyler whispered and for a moment, I could swear I saw Tyler's eyes shimmering from the tears. But he blinked them away. Brendon breathed out with relief.

"You look bad, Ty-guy. But sexy." - He scoffed. Tyler laughed quietly and raised his eyebrows.

"Can say the same about you. What the hell happened?"

"Fight in a pub. Somebody talked shit about you." - Brendon shrugged. He looked up at Tyler and his eyes felt up with sadness and pain. "You holding there, Ty?"

"Trying to. He's helping me a lot." - Tyler pointed towards Dallon, who awkwardly waved at them. Josh waved back.

"He's handsome." - Brendon smirked. His eyes met Tyler's tired ones and his smile dropped. "I-I miss you."

"I miss you too,Brenny." - The other boy whispered and closed his eyes. I was staring at him. Tyler did not even say hello to me, like I didn't exist. That hurt. Tyler's eyes snapped open and he finally made an eye contact with me. "Hey,Jish." - The boy smiled at me. Tears gathered up in my eyes in the same second and I turned away, wiping them with the sleeve of my hoodie.

"Oh, come on. Look at me, don't hide your face." - Tyler's gentle voice was coming through the telephone and I obeyed. I looked up at him, tears still sliding down my face. "Why are you crying, Jish?"

"I don't know. I miss you." - I sounded like a small child. Brendon smiled at me and patted my shoulder.

"I miss you too." - Tyler smiled once again. "Don't cry. I will be okay. You will be okay. But you need to take a better care of Brendon, man. Look at him." - I laughed at this.

"Don't worry about us. You're the one who needs to be careful with dropping the soap." - Brendon mumbled. Tyler showed him a middle finger and smiled.

"Jish?" - He looked at me again. His eyes were sad.

"Yes?"

Tyler's eyes darted back to Brendon. The other boy cleared his throat and spoke up.

"It was nice to see you, Ty-guy. I'll go now, leave you two alone for a minute or two. You're a tough guy, Tyler Joseph. Don't you dare to give up on yourself." - With these words, Brendon handed Josh the telephone and stood up. Tyler smiled up at him from the other side of the glass. Brendon stared at his friend for a few second, then turned around and left. I watched him disappear in the doors before turning back to Tyler. I lifted the phone to my ear.

"Hello,handsome." - Tyler whispered and.. Fuck. Shivers ran down my spine. "Do you think about me?"

I nodded, my vocal chords were too weak to form any sound.

"Do you write about me? I wrote something about you." - I felt my lungs exploding. My heart was going to jump out of his chest. "You want to hear it?" Another nod.

" ..Even after I ruined you for other reasons

I cannot regret you.

Even as I cleave the flash from the bone

I hope the night sky is prettier

wherever you are.."

Tyler's voice stroke the messy thoughts in my mind. I felt tears streaming down my face again, but I could not care less. I let out a shaking breath and covered my eyes with hand. I wanted to die, right then, while listening to Tyler's voice. No, that's not right. I wanted to live for that moment.

"Is the sky pretty, my friend?" - Tyler asked quietly. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. I saw tear paths on Tyler's face and the last piece of my heart got destroyed. I nodded weakly and let out a quiet sob. "Don't cry. You're beautiful. You are pretty. Like the night sky from the pathetic hole in my prison cell that they call a window. Like a wind that whispers soothing words to me in the mornings. Please don't cry, Josh. Not for me. Not because of me."

"I love you." - I whispered, voice still shaking. Tyler smiled at me.

"I know." - He whispered back. I did not need him to answer back. "Baby, I know."

This was the last string. I broke down. I threw the phone away and flew to my feet, stumbling on the chair and took off towards the door. The heads turned into my direction, quiet whispers followed me, but I did not give a fuck. I ran out of the building,ignoring Brendon's concerned calls and ran and ran. I ran until I've reached my room and opened the door. I stepped in and shut the door behind me.

That's where my mind shut off and I fell down to the knees, hands clutching on my hair.

This all was too much. I just wanted to get into the university of my dreams. I did not ask for this.


End file.
